Ready? One, two, three, four.
Yeah! Yeah! Do you like to rock? Yeah! I like to rock.
- Hello, Baltimore! - Cartman, what the hell are you doing?
- I'm playing the drum. - Well, you have to hit it softer!
Hey! You can't just hit a drum, you have to beat the... out of it.
Shut your pie hole! I'll kick your ass, you... drum!
- That's how you rock, dude. - You're not supposed to rock,
- you're just supposed to keep the beat! - I am keeping the beat!
- Your flute-playing sucks! - That's it, Cartman.
- You can't be the drummer. - Hey! I'll get it!
Dude, the Civil War re-enactment is tomorrow.
- You're not gonna get it by tomorrow! - Yes, I will!
All right, all right, let's just try again. One, two, three, four...
Does Cleveland like to rock? God damn it, yeah!
- What? - Give me the drum,
- and you play the flute! - No way! Flutes are totally gay!
Cartman, I'm the leader of the re-enactment fife-and-drum squad
and I say you play the flute.
Oh. Well, you know what I say? Screw you guys, I'm going home.
- You dick! - Later.
All righty, everyone!
We just have a few things to go over
before we head out to the re-enactment battlefield.
First of all, I have great news. There are over 200 folks from around the state
that have come to see this year's re-enactment
and that's the best turnout ever!
Where the hell is Cartman? If he misses the orientation,
they're not gonna let him in the re-enactment.
- He'll show. - He better!
I'm also very proud to announce that this year's alcohol sponsor
is Jagerminz S'more-flavoured Schnapps.
The schnapps with the delightful taste of s'mores!
- Hey, it does taste like s'mores! - Yeah, and it's got quite a kick, too!
And now to clarify how the re-enactment should unfold,
let's bring up our master historian, Grandpa Marvin Marsh,
the only man old enough to have actually seen the Civil War
re-enactment of 1924.
Wow, dude, your grandpa still isn't dead?
- Dude, that's not cool. - Good morning, gentlemen.
Cartman? What the hell are you doing?
- Yeah, you're dressed up like the South! - Yes.
This year I have decided to fight for the glorious South.
Screw you guys, home.
And may I say that we're gonna whup your ass this time.
You can't just come to a Civil War re-enactment
dressed up like General Lee, fat-ass!
- Oh really? I'm pretty sure I just did. - Okay, you all know the rules.
You must fire your blanks into the air. If someone says they killed you,
- you got to play dead. - The South loses this battle, Cartman!
- They lose the war! - The South is gonna win!
- No, they're not, stupid! - Yes, we are.
How much you wanna bet?
Now, remember everybody, for a good re-enactment,
we've got to pretend down to the last detail
that we're really in the Civil War, so when the North wins,
all of us on the Confederate side should act all bummed and depressed...
Come on, Cartman, how much you wanna bet the South doesn't win?
Well, this war is about slavery. So how about if the South wins,
you two assholes have to be my slaves for a month!
And if the North wins you're our slave for a month?
- Right. - You're on!
Then I shall bid you good morning, gentlemen,
and see you on the battlefield.
- What a dumb-ass! - Yeah!
He doesn't even know that the South loses the Civil War!
It's gonna be rad having Cartman be our slave!
And with that, let's all head to Tamarack Hill and put on a good show!
Welcome to the South Park re-enactment
of the battle of Tamarack Hill.
The men in grey are the Confederacy from the South.
In the blue, the Union from the North.
It was a cold morning in 1862.
The Union Army had to get the bell of Appomattox
down from Tamarack Hill. What ensued was a bloody battle,
but after many hours the Union Army prevailed.
Here now is the re-enactment of that great battle!
Forward!
Let's bring those Confederate bastards down!
Fire!
All right, men! Fire!
Hey, I shot you, Ned! You have to fall down!
Yeah!
Wow, so this is what it was like!
Hey, what's that guy doing?
Long live the Confederacy!
- What the hell? - Hey, he took the bell!
- He can't do that! - The Confederacy doesn't take the bell!
- Hooray for the South! - Cartman! You can't do that!
God damn it! Now we have to start over!
All righty, everyone, we're going to do the entire re-enactment again
because of some confusion over the bell.
Now, I know you're just trying to help, Eric, but we have to let the Union Army
- capture the bell this time. - But why? Why should they get the bell?
- Well, 'cause we're supposed to lose. - But we don't have to lose!
- What? - Gentlemen, we can win this battle!
Sure, we could lose and tonight we could go back
to our families and say, "We did it!
"We lost like we were supposed to, aren't we proud?"
Or we take that hill. We take that hill
and when we stand tall upon it, we hold our heads high and we yell,
"Not this year! This year belongs to the Confederacy!"
- By God, he's right. - Jimbo!
No! I've been re-enacting this war
for 22 years now. And for 22 years, us Confederate re-enactors
have had to spend the evening being ridiculed
and made fun of by the Union re-enactors. Well, I'm sick of it!
Yeah, why do we have to be their bitches every year?
I'm tired of losing this battle!
And I say it's high time we kicked some ass! Who's with me?
Yeah!
All right, folks, sorry for the false start. We're ready to go again.
It was a cold morning in 1862! The Union Army had to... What the hell?
What are they doing?
You Yankee sons of bitches!
That hurt!
God damn it, what the hell are they doing?
- What do we do? - Run for your life, dude!
God bless those men that fight for their freedom.
God bless those men. And God bless the Confederacy!
- Surrender your men, General! - Jimbo, have you lost your mind?
- Surrender your men, General! - All right, all right! We surrender!
- The South wins? - The South wins!
God damn it.
Well, we can all be friends now.
Come on, Randy, have some s'more schnapps!
I can't be happy. You ruined the re-enactment!
Come on! Have a little sip!
So you guys about ready to start being my slaves?
You cheated, Cartman!
Yeah, and it doesn't matter because the bet was
that the South doesn't win the war, and the South still didn't win the war, dip...!
Yeah, too bad you're such a dumb-ass at history or you would have known that!
I hate you guys so much. So very, very much.
And this is not over. Not by a long shot.
All I'm saying is that... Is that the Confederates would have
just gotten their asses kicked in Topeka.
That ain't true!
The Confederates would have whupped ass in Topeka, too.
- Yeah! - You're dreaming!
Perhaps we should take Topeka.
They mock us in Kansas, soldier.
They think the South is a joke. They don't respect our authority.
- They don't? - No. I say we take Topeka.
You know what?
I'll bet we could take Topeka right now and prove them all wrong!
That's right. Maybe we should do what the Confederates would have done
and march on to Topeka!
I bet we could!
I bet we could too.
- I'll bet you can't! - What? Is that a challenge?
- I'll bet we can! - I'll bet you can't,
- because you guys are all pussies. - Pussies? Oh, yeah? Men!
It's time to show the world what this Confederate Army has got!
We're gonna take Topeka once and for all!
- Yeah! - All you men!
You may have lost in the Union today, but join us now and win back your pride!
- Yeah! - The Union be damned!
Let's go!
Oh, what was our bet again?
Let's see. Yes, I remember. If the South wins,
you have to be my slaves for a month.
They're just drunk, Cartman. As soon as they sober up, they'll stop!
Yes, enjoy your freedom, gentlemen. Soon you will be my property.
Come, Kenny. Come fight for us
and I'll make sure you get lots of plunder and womens.
- Good morning, Mrs. Hollis! - Hello, Ralph.
Did you happen to catch that ball game last night?
I'm afraid I was grading papers pretty late and...
What's that noise, Officer?
Charge!
Freeze, buddy!
These are blanks, but they still hurt like hell!
It's ours! It's ours!
We've taken Topeka!
- Yeah! - All right, Yank!
Tell us where you keep your Jagerminz S'more-flavoured Schnapps!
Schnapps?
I guess it would be at the liquor store.
- Where? - At the liquor store! At the liquor store!
Come on, boys!
This is the most bizarre thing I've ever seen.
Excuse me.
Dude, my mom is so pissed at my dad for going to Kansas.
I know, but why do they have to take it out on us?
Why do we have to wait around for them to come back?
Here comes the bus.
Butters? Are you the only one that came back?
Confederate messenger Butters reporting, sir.
I have a message for you from the battlefield.
What battlefield?
Topeka. We're raising all kinds of hell, see.
It's probably the most fun I've had in several months.
Well, you gonna read your message or not?
Dear guys, words cannot express how much I hate you guys.
As we fight our way northward into the great unknown,
only that one thing remains certain.
That I hate you guys with every tired muscle in my Confederate body.
We have taken Topeka, and now
I must rally the men onward to Missouri. Because I will not stop until
we have won it all, and you guys are my slaves. Because I hate you guys.
I hate you guys so very, very much. Yours, General Cartman Lee.
God damn it! That fat piece of...!
Dude, what if Cartman really does succeed,
and we really do have to be his slaves?
- That would suck so much ass. - We have to stop him, dude.
I'll go get my grandpa, he'll help us.
Where is the Confederate Army now, Butters?
I ain't supposed to tell you that.
If I told you that, why I'd be a no-good Yankee son of a bitch.
- We'll give you 10 bucks. - Oh, okay.
...and was forced to live off her own faeces for several days.
In national news, a frightening radical group from Colorado
is making its way across the southern states of America!
The group is recruiting new members
in each town they pass through, and rapidly growing in number!
So authorities have decided to call in the National Guard.
The group seems to be led by military mastermind
and right-wing radical Jimbo Kern,
who is known for his guerilla fighting and leadership skills.
Get me some more s'more schnapps, I'm gonna be sick.
- Oh boy, this is worse than I thought. - Well, come on, Billy,
we gotta make these little peckers stop before they get themselves killed!
They say we can either fight them or join them.
Well, I'm joining them. Those blanks hurt!
Dad! Dad!
- Mom wants you to come home! - Not now, Stan. I'm pillaging.
Get over here!
You've got to stop, Dad.
If the South wins, me and Stan have to be Cartman's slaves!
This is a re-enactment, Kyle.
My name is Private John Farcastle, and I have to do what my general tells me!
Hey, there's some more schnapps over here!
More schnapps!
I'm Sergeant Larson of the National Guard!
We're here to stop the terrorists!
They're not terrorists, they're just a bunch of drunk wankers from Colorado.
Well, we can't just shoot them, there's innocents and children about.
- Dawkins! Fire a warning flare. - Sir! Yes, sir!
Medic!
- Whoops. - Oh, my God! They killed Kenny!
- You bastards! - Hey!
We can't fire at them, sir. There are too many children.
- Then how do we stop them? - I know how.
But we'll have to wait until dark.
Dear Ms McCormick, it is with a very heavy heart
that I must inform you that your son Kenny was killed in battle
on the morning of November 18th at Ruby Hills Fun Land in Chattanooga.
This war has taken something from all of us, and although your son appears
to be the only casualty so far, know that we all share your pain.
Your son did not die in vain.
I shall persevere and make Stan and Kyle my slaves.
Because I hate those guys. I hate them so very, very much.
Yours, General Cartman Lee.
There, you see?
We take the s'more schnapps, and by morning they'll all wanna go home.
- Nice thinking, Billy. - Let's go!
Where to next, General?
Where did the Confederates go, son?
Well, I guess to Fort Sumter in South Carolina.
That's where the Civil War really escalated.
Splendid, then to Fort Sumter we shall go.
Well, that sounds great. I'm going to get some s'more schnapps.
- You want anything? - Yeah, could I get some of those
animal cookies, those frosted ones with the sprinkles on them?
Sure.
What the... Hey, where's the s'more schnapps?
- We're out of s'more schnapps? - That can't be!
I guess we drank it all.
- Now what? - Now we just wait until morning.
Checkmate, Cartman! Pretty soon you're gonna be our slave!
Yeah.
- Oh, my head. - Where am I?
Ned, I think I can say without any doubt
that that was the longest drinking binge we've ever had.
Oh.
Oh, my head.
Oh, no, I'm supposed to be at work today!
Me, too.
Well, come on, everybody. We've got to get to the nearest bus station quick.
- Where are you going? - We're going home, kid.
- Come on. - We can't go home!
- We have to take Fort Sumter! - The only thing we've gotta do
is get home before our wives leave us.
No! What about the Confederacy? What about freedom?
Ha ha! You lose, fat-ass!
God, I hate you guys.
Yeah, but you know, I think you've learned something today.
You've learned that you can't rewrite history.
You see, history is forever. And everything happens for a reason.
Sure, you can try to change the past, but usually... Where are you going?
This isn't over. Oh, no. Oh, no, not by a long shot.
Oh, I don't believe we came all the way out here.
Yeah, well, I don't think the bus station is too far from here.
How much you think a bus ticket back to Colorado is gonna run?
Hello! I am Suzette, the s'more schnapps girl!
We are pleased to sponsor you with all the s'more schnapps you need!
- Oh, I can't drink any more of that stuff. - Me, neither.
Oh, come on, guys, just one little drink.
A toast, to how far you came and all that you saw.
Yes, please. Do shots out of my breasts.
Well, I guess one little cheers is in order.
Hey, look! Ned's doing his trick again!
Hey, guys, let's all play a game of grab ass!
What's grab ass?
We just run around in circles and try to grab each other's asses!
Hey, that sounds fun!
I got you!
Gentlemen! I hate to break up the party, but I believe we have a fort to take!
- You heard the General! - Yeah!
- Oh, no. - We'll never stop them now!
Throughout 1861, the Confederate authorities tried to drive out
the Union occupants of Fort Sumter peacefully.
But Abraham Lincoln's administration would not surrender the fort
to the Confederates, so Jefferson Davis decided to take action.
And the Confederates won the fort?
Yes. Imagine what it must have been like.
You're a Union soldier stationed at this fort, and one day, you look out
and see thousands of Confederates ready to pounce on you.
- Take the fort! - Charge!
- We got it! The fort is ours! - What was that?
Attention, political activists.
You are on government historical monument property.
Surrender the monument with your hands up.
If you would like a tour of the fort,
one can be arranged through the South Carolina Chamber of Commerce.
Give up, fat-ass! There's over a hundred National Guard guys here!
- Suck my ass! - What do we do, General?
- We're outnumbered! - We asked the state of South Carolina
for recruits. Some re-enforcements are bound to show up!
All right, that does it! Blow the whole thing up!
No! You can't do that! Our dads are in there!
Sorry, son. We tried it your way. Now we do it our way.
- Prepare the mortar! - Hold it right there!
Wow! Look at that! The entire state of South Carolina showed up!
I knew they would!
- Oh, damn it! - We're ready to fight with you!
- Long live the Confederacy! - Yeehaw!
Now our numbers are truly great! It is time!
It is time to march to Washington D.C.!
All right, government!
You can't ignore our anguished cries any more! You hear that, government?
- Oh, boy, this doesn't look good. - It's just like the Million Man March,
except that there actually are a million people.
Mr. President! A message for you from the extremists!
Dear Mr. President,
there are times when humans can no longer endure
their government's authority. You must declare the Confederacy its own nation
so that we may enter into a new millennium of prosperity.
If you do not meet our demands, we will be forced to show the video tapes
we have of you with Marissa Tomei.
Oh, dear God, we have to meet their demands.
What? Sir, there's not that many of them!
As Vice President, I think we better give them what they want.
It's just the southern states. Who really needs them?
My hands are tied. Tell General Lee that I'll meet him in front of the Capitol.
Sir.
I'm so glad I don't have your job.
Dude, let's just give up now and accept
that we have to be Cartman's slaves.
Damn it, Billy! This isn't about you having to be slaves!
This is about history! We can't let them change it!
But we've tried everything, Grandpa. What else can we do?
Wait a minute!
They're all still doing a re-enactment. What we have to do is play into that!
Come on, Billy, you boys need a quick history lesson!
All right, I'm going to sign the document
declaring the Confederacy winners of the Civil War.
Hooray!
Boy, we really got the President by the balls!
Good thing you have that video tape of him and Marissa Tomei.
I don't. I made it up.
Hey. Who's that?
Hello, I'm Abraham Lincoln. President of the United States.
Yes, and I'm Jefferson Davis, President of the Confederacy.
Boy, this just keeps getting weirder, doesn't it?
- What the hell are you guys doing? - Hey, General!
He's re-enacting Jefferson Davis! You can't talk that way to a superior officer!
Men, I want you all to know that
as President of the Confederacy,
- I am hereby surrendering. - What?
Well, as Abraham Lincoln, I accept your surrender, and agree
to your conditions. You and all the Confederates will have
all the s'more schnapps you can drink for a year!
- A whole year? - All right!
Well, I think we got what we wanted!
That's it? I don't have to sign this thing?
Hey, come on, we should take a tour
of the Smithsonian before we head back.
No! We still have to fight!
Lincoln and Davis signed a treaty, General. The war is over.
No!
It's finally over, Cartman! You lost!
Yeah, and now you can take that stupid beard off!
Boys, as President of the United States,
I want to commend you for stopping the rebel uprising.
- Don't touch me. - Well, Cartman. The South lost.
That means you're our slave for a month!
Damn it! Damn it, I was so close. Damn it!
Now, the first thing I want you to do for us is...
Wait a minute! I don't have to be your slave!
- What? - The North still won the Civil War!
That means slavery is abolished!
He's right, boys. Slavery is illegal and immoral,
partially in thanks to the North winning the Civil War.
Oh, to hell with it, let's go home.
- Thanks a lot, Bill Clinton! - Yeah thanks, dick.